Jera, you really should have been at Youth tonight. The craziest thing happened... it really IS Friday the thirteenth, in the traditional sense XD
It was all very normal at first. We went to the Firehall, I managed to wolf down some food, Teija got a salad because Ben was working tonight (And we all agreed that Ben would probably spit a loogie in it). Katie took a few pictures as James, Blair and Chris got entangled in some crazy fight where, in the end, it sort of looked like Chris was giving birth to Blair (THAT was amazing XD). Alex and I squaredanced in the rain.
As in the title, when I couldn't finish my meal (I ate about... half. Maybe a quarter. Everyone else finished it off), Jamie decided to go and eat it. So, he leaned over me while threatening to drop the food on my head... and I accidentally tilted my chair in a way that I hit the pastor in the balls. It was bloody amazing XD I am so glad that I'm still welcome in church! :P Forgiveness of God. At least he already has a son. 
Anywhoo, while we were at the Firehall there was a power outage because of a massive bolt of lightning. Then there was a crack, which Steph and I assumed was from someone dropping a dish in surprise...
Dear Lordy, were we ever wrong!
When we went back to the church, we noticed police cars. There was a small crowd gathered outside of the church and we all thought: Oh my God. Oh my God, the church got hit. I thought I heard someone say that the church not only got hit, but Val was inside at the same time (Heart stopped), but that was misinturpretation. 
As it turns out, a tree directly in front of the church got hit. Also, part of the wall blew out. 
So... that was the end of Friday the Thirteenth for me. I've never actually gone through one that sucked before, but at the same time it's been pretty wonderful XD 

Oh, and earlier that night I was with Cam and Jordan and Ben and Colin and Angela for a while. Nothing much to say about that, really. It was just a little random.

Shut up, I never said the post below would be my LAST XD
You know, I'm starting to think that my dad's outbursts of anger are kind of cool... because, by inheriting his temper, I'm starting to kick some major balls. Maybe they're not such a bad thing. Okay, so, about 12 of the people who will read this are going to be emailing me with a: Oh my God, stop being so forgiving or something. Oh well.
You guys all know about the weird things with Britt & I & crows/ravens. I think. Basically, we read our lives by them. I know it seems overly superstisious, and I'm not that kind of person (About some things), but this actually works. A raven on your left is bad luck, on your right it's good luck and if it does anything else than it's all perspective or choice. Trust me, there is NO WAY that this can be mocked. The first time I ever saw a raven, knowing this information, it was on my left, and that day my mom fell down a waterfall. The night after my mom's first date with my dad, a raven flew into the house and would only stay on her left side. My mom saw a raven on her left the day after I told her about this weird sign, and half an hour later her car broke down. There are more things like that, but I don't want to bore you TOO much.
For about a month or two, all I've seen are ravens crossing in front of me...

In three days, I've seen three ravens (All on the right). For three days, I've been thinking: Kay. I want to be myself. Screw this charade, I'm sick of it. 
But it's not going to be easy, being myself. Why? Not only is it hard to break a spell, but I'm also potentially battling annorexia. It's not a clinical case, but I can't get myself to eat without gagging my food back up... and I've been losing a LOT of weight. There's only one pair of pants that I own that fit now, and most of my shirts are a size or two too big. Oh well. The more challanges, the more fun. Really "bad" things never bother me, even when I'm in hysterics. Inside, I'm always thinking: Ahahaha, I'm feeling things, I'm alive. Screw all those miscarriages that my mom had, I'm the one who's meant to be here and I'm the one who gets to experiance all this. It's horrible, but at least I'm human. I get to feel something!
Today has been crap so far (Which is odd, because Friday the 13th is usually a decent to good day). I went to Hopedale and called my mom, and she picked me up and we talked. Before you make fun of me for "calling on mommy", think of it this way: Not only do my mom and I get along (Unlike some teenagers), but  my mother is the woman with whom legends die. She's proven that only children are not spoiled, that you can turn your life around, that you can be totally different from your parents (They're silver spoon, we're spork city) and have completely different values... it's amazing. She's one of my heroes, though I don't always agree with her. Honestly, idolize and love someone, but keep their flaws in mind, no matter how blind love has always been in all forms it doesn't have to be stupid, too. -__-0
At the end of me explaining everything that has happened lately to her, her eyes were wide. She stared at me. Then she whooped out for the entire world to hear: "FUCK THIS SHIT, BITCH, YOU'RE HEADED TO MOMMY'S BOOT CAMP OF AWESOME". Then we both started to laugh hysterically... I mean, the woman's 54 XD
So, I'm just going to stop thinking. One of my biggest problems is thinking WAY too much; I have to know every single angle or possibility of anything before jumping in (Even though I sometimes do things just to feel pain, because hell, that's life). 
The only thing that makes me at all special is that I don't think with my head. I don't follow my heart. I use my stomach. Yes, my stomach is my guiding force (Yeah, I know, I KNOW XD).  The grey area -__- If I can't eat, something must be amiss. It grumbles a lot, whether I'm hungry or not, when I'm worried or scared, or trying to figure something else. When everything's good, I have constant adreneline. I think "ma tummeh" is coming in lo-o-o-oud and clear right now. It's saying: "Amanda, shut the fuck up. Just let it go". It's even swearing, for crying out loud, and if any part of me swears...
So, I think I'm going to do it. Somehow. Oh well, I have a full summer to figure it out. Okay. NOW I am probably not going to write in here for a long time. Just thought I'd put that out there. It may take me until next school year to be fully myself, but I'm now so pissed off with myself that I'm just going to give in and give up. I mean, if being irritated by my own fear is what keeps me from being shy etc., then I should have NO problem here.

P.S.: This is for Marina and Teija (You freaks who wanted to know my "Real" Sailor Scouts if I were "Being myself"?). Yeah, I got the two who were CREATED to be polar opposites: Neptune and Moon. I got a few votes for Mars, too (I can HEAR Teija screaming: I knew it, I knew it right now). I think that says enough on it's own XD I'm you two put together! ... Oh, that's a bit weird... XD
"Like your face," Said Ben D. Just thought I'd throw that in, too ;) 

P.P.S.: I totally forgot the irony content! 
Irony = Rheal is going to try and come back this summer and potentially come to Blakelock next year (Trying to live with his Aunt three blocks away). The Milton - Oakville bus opening this summer. Seeing Britt and Adam tonight, followed by Teija and Angela the next day AND my cousin (The one who has never done anything to me - like steal 500 bucks - and with whom I get along with). Watery, fight, grow, mirror, big (Britt and Angela will get it, garunteed). I'm actually allowed to renovate my room now (After much begging). This just had to happen at the END of a school year, with a lot of thunderstorms happening lately (Ahahaha, stupid symbolism XD). Art program = Blakelock next year (May I say: W00t. Over and over a-fucking-gain). Thom and I are becoming closer again (He used to be my BEEEST friend, though we ALWAYS fought because we both always wanted to be the "leader" of our group), as are George and I (And we all know how important that kid is to me). Dad and I are finally being non-abusive, etc. I think I am FINALLY over my writer's block (Thank. Freaking. God). Ani is coming back to life (How awesome is that?!). There is probably more, I just need to finish off a project right now XD YES, I'M WORKING. SHUT UP. ESPECIALLY YOU, LINDSEY XD I'm also very close to finally convincing my parents to let me get my G-1 (Note: I'm doing it for the standard car. Can you IMAGINE me behind the wheel of our mini-van? It made my mom crack up). Teija recently bought a canoe and she, Angela and I are going to use it all summer (Trust me, this IS irony).
Tearing down the world is how we put things back together. Bit of a shame, though; so many strange little traditions are going to get lost in the construction. Oh well, new ones are cool, too.  

 That was the profile I put up on the Sailor Scout thing. Just an FYI. It's not much new; seriously, the only way that I'm not "myself" with you all is in how I actually act, not in the stats. 

P.P.P.S.: Might as well finish the day off. The city bus came an hour and a half late because it apparently broke down (Good thing i went to the stop at 12:00). While on the bus, I saw a raven flying to the left and thought: Curses! Turns out, when I got to school, Claudia and Andrew were ALREADY PRESENTING. Sigh. At least I got my graph to them.

 I'm either not going to be writing in here AT ALL anymore, or just very rarely. So, for those of you who complain when I don't post entries, I love you, but shut it :P I'm starting to really think I've outgrown this whole "let's have my friends read about my life" deal. If you want to know, just ask. I may create another LJ way, way down the path from now, but I'm not exactly sure if I want to. 
 I'll leave you with this: My family's been getting along oddly well in the past few weeks... I'm saying that yes, we fight, but there's no physical abuse or aannnything. Not sure how long it will last, but I'm prayin' on the Torrah and the Bible and every other damned religious book out there that it's here to stay. I'm still saving up money to move in with Britt by the end of next year, despite this. 
My bedroom is now so filled with piles and piles of books that I can't walk from the door to my bed without tripping.
I'm working really hard to actually be true to myself next year (So, hyperness = Gone. Sorry, guys).
I'm going to take one step forward, two steps back and try to talk to Hot Asian Guy (Lmfao, you knew it was coming Linds!!) by the end of the school year. Again. 



There's more I want to say, but I'm going to miss the school bus! -shrug- Whatever. See you all at school! (And this time, it's for real, as I'm noooot going to Art school! ^_^) 

T&T rat AND Family Studies rat due today!
>< I hate my luck! (Not really) 

HOW is it... that I somehow painted a tiger with a perfect body, but a face that closely resembled an angry bald man? 
... Maybe it's that the eyes are too big. Yeah, that's probably it actually... mmm. Hey, that helps! ^_^
How is it just my luck that the email Andrew sent Claudia and I our T&T project and I can't open it? -___- (Not actually bothering me XD Maybe I can just wing it tomorrow. I'm skillful at winging it by now).

Anyway, on a more serious note: How on EARTH does someone know who they are? I can't describe it myself, so I'm wondering if any of you want to take a whack at it. How does someone know what they're about, what they truly love, etc.? 
Another serious one: How does someone just... let it flow? How does someone stop fighting themself and just give in to their ideas, feelings, etc.?

So, where the fuck are you? 

Today was really, really  messed up for some people. My dad tore his pants, Ben got his BIKE stolen... the best part was probably hanging out with Andrew in Business, because we were "rebelling" by sneaking candy in and eating it behind our horrible Substitute's back (He was SO mean!). It took me a while to convince Andrew to get the candy, though... he kept saying: "But you can just FLIRT with him and he'll have no problem!", to which I replied: "How 'bout I flirt with you instead?" Before proceeding to flirt with him until he gave in XD When Mike D got kicked out of the class in a dramatic fashion, I muttered: "It's like we're at the cinema!" 
At the end of the day, Ben and I went in separate directions home but somehow met up at the same point in between. We stood in the shade for a while and vented about things that sucked, and ended off with a hug (That he actually participated in, wtf?) and a "We should skip Business tomorrow. We won't learn anything anyway. We could hang out for once. Notice how we haven't been doing that lately?" "Yeah, it's been weird. If the others follow, we can punch them in the ovaries."

Anyway, I'm about to copy and paste a post from my "Secret" LJ here... feel special. 

One of my favourite animes / TV shows, by far, is a very unknown, 13 episode one called "Haibane Renmei". It is a series dealing mostly in identity, love, forgiveness, jealousy, loneliness and memory. 
A Haibane is a being who looks like a normal human being when it arrives in the town of Glie in a cocoon, but they soon acquire wings and halos (For aesthetic reasons, NOT as a reference to Christianity) that are forged specially for them by the Haibane Renmei. Generally they are young children or teenagers, and their wings are charcoal grey and too small to be functional. Inside the cocoon, each Haibane has a vivid dream and is named after that dream when they emerge. Some Haibane (Especially young ones) choose their name based on dreams for the future. The Haibane have to follow certain rules, such as only owning second hand items or things they make themselves, not going near the walls of the city they reside in, only being allowed to work in the oldest buildings and not being allowed to handle money (Instead, they get "tickets" of sorts). Eventually, a Haibane has a "Day of Flight" / "Day of Leaving the Nest" where they go deeply into the Western Wood (Without a goodbye) and are carried away by light... leaving their halos behind.
A Sin-Bound Haibane cannot remember their dream, and have black, spotted wings. Some fans conjure that Sin-Bound Haibane committed suicide in their past lives, but they may also just be plagued by an irreprissible guilt. Some Haibane become Sin-Bound due to depression. A Sin-Bound Haibane cannot achieve their Day of Flight until they are no longer Sin-Bound, and after a certain amount of time they will cease to be Haibane. They will then be required to live apart from both Humans and Haibane. 
I love this anime because the town of Glie is, basically, my own ideal city. A clocktower, cobblestone streets, an air of mystery, a forest, a place where a bunch of random people live together (Old Home, where most Haibane live, or else The Abandoned Factory)... it's perfect. Moreover, I think that the connection between Reki, Rakka and crows is a little funny XD I love that the entire anime is centred around identity. Overall, the show is aesthetically pleasing and all of the themes are ones that I tend to be drawn to. I also really like the mood the anime puts me in: sort of melancholy, but not in a depressed way, more reflective. Creative. It makes me want to help others, write, and do something all at the same time... like fix a watch, or watch a train pass by. Read a book, chill under a windmill (You'd get it if you watched the anime).

My favourite character in the story is not Reki, Rakka or Kuu (All of which are me, in combination). It isn't the lazy Nemu, the cheerful Hikari or even Kuramori (And I generally adore the random dead chicks that left some mystery or story behind). Oddly enough, this time, I am drawn to the tempermental, mechanically-inclined tomboy named Kana. 
Kana's character views the crows that Rakka finds so intriguing as "scavangers", but she works to protect them (By not allowing Rakka to feed them so they don't become dependant on her and never fly free again). I like her tough, irritated character (As shown by banging pots and pans together to wake up Rakka, without remorse), but also her amazing warmth (Shown in how much she protects Rakka in episode 4 in little ways, and her many compliments). She's the reason that I'm a physical human being at all, actually; I was so drawn to her warmth that I tried to imitate it, and she expresses hers in compliments and touch (Keeping Rakka from going over the clocktower rail by putting an arm out, resting her head on Rakka's shoulder while complaining, hugging the Clock Master when he gave her a job she really wanted). I like her pride and determination, and her relationship with the clocktower's owner. Her impatience, her hardwork and "everything can be fixed" mindset. Also, in a way, she reminds me of some of the girls I'm closest to: Kelsey, Brittany, Angela (Strongly), and Alex R.

Kana: Rakka? Feeling any better now? [about being so high up on the clocktower]
Rakka: Yes, much better.
Kana: You see? You've become fearless now!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=gWX5g9YVJW4&amp;feature=related

http://youtube.com/user/MotorradHermes THIS person has all of the Haibane Renmei episode in English, in case you don't want to listen in Japanese (Though, those are up on Youtube as well). I highly recommend watching it. It's amazing. Not gonna lie.
P.S.: COLIN, IF YOU WATCH HAIBANE RENMEI IT IS GARUNTEED THAT I READ WHEEL OF TIME.

 Okay, so one of the things that I've never really thought about is what my favourite song would be. This is because I, like 100000000000 people on the planet, have always liked far too many songs to really "have" a favourite. 
However, the other day, I finally realized: There is only one song that I love no matter who is singing it, that can be tweaked pleasingly into any tempo or style, and that means the entire world to me. No, it's not "Spin", or "Move Along" or even "Ever Ever After". It isn't by Nick Drake or Rosemary Clooney or the Beatles.
It's "The Last Unicorn"! XD I'm starting to believe I love this story a tad too much.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CPnhBXNUVDI Original version.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=IycWPksv0Bw Loreena McKinnett version.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=4WWqvgvXctY Delcan Galbraith version.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NhNdQOx29Vk Kenny Loggins version.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=Uy9xjwcsHU4 And now for the crazy, uplifting version by Groove Coverage.

 A board I did on Ani a LOOONG while back.
Written here juuust because I am very proud of it / love it to death. You really don't have to read it, it's massive. I have a key here, in case I forget my characters / if you actually choose to read it.

-All the characters, except for Virgina and the animals (and other people's characters) were "me" one upon a time-

Danielle (Mistakenly called "Alexandra" at one point) = Most like me at the time. Somewhat inept Witch. Her enemy is Maurika.
Natasha = My original Ani character, mother to Jade (In the future, at least). Among the most powerful of Witches, with an enemy (Ulia). Was called "Silver One" by Ulia growing up, because of her hair. Very sad, very wise, very beautiful.
Jade = Daughter of Natasha. Posesses a soul that has been through many different time periods, fighting an enemy named Ninya with three other time-travelling spirits. Was born before Natasha came to Ani, and had her body's age sped up so she could fight along side her mother. Very reckless, very flirtacious.
 Miranda = Most like my mom. Was pregnant when this was written.
Virgina = Highly boring character, sister to Natasha.
Diana = Natasha's familiar. Usually quite bitchy, despite being a cat, and very strict.
Maurika = New enemy, cousin of Ulia, Caro (Natasha's mother), Crystalline (Miranda's enemy) and Ninya.

 Choose a Person: Britt.

If You Had To Paint a Picture for Them, What Would Be In It? Red background. Orange and yellow dragon in the centre, coilled around a large ruby. Crow in the upper left corner. At the bottom, the cheshire cat (Hiding in the tree that the Lost Boys used as an entrance to their house). Upper right corner, a flying rubber chicken. Maybe a pirate's ship somewhere, maybe a book somewhere.  There'd be a boarder composed of a sword (top), a bone (right side), a vine with night flowers on it (left side) and a flame (bottom).

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KqLkRdTKCL4

Bolded where it counts. Italicized where it means something to me that it wouldn't to you XD Both bolded and italicized where you may be able to guess where I'm getting at/at least one person would get it.


 
* That line counts for more things than just the obvious one.


I-i-i-if you want to share a song, reply. THOUGH NONE OF YOU WILL -___-

Seriously... talking to Jeremiah was amazing today... it was SO out-of-the-blue and out of the ordinary, which made it perfect... and then Ben, too... And EVERYTHING with Jordan as well (We talked more than we have in months today)... talking to Cameron for the first time in a while was pretty great...
Also, you HAVE to love that Teija and Angela for abducting me tonight for an hour or two. We went to Angela's (Empty) house and talked, then when Teija left, Ang and I just walked around the town in the dark. We saw lightning and heard thunder, which made it so much better.
I'll throw in some Jeff-love, too, because he sort of hung out with us (More like yelling comments on our conversation from the TV room) for the first time tonight. Apparently, he talked more than usual! XD  
Gotta love friendship... 
And that thunderstorm.

I just told Andrew (Not T&T Andrew, the one you all know) that I am staying at Blakelock because the Art Program is coming to our school.
His reply? "Amanda's so cool that she doesn't have to go to a new school, because the Art Program is coming to HER."
XD 

 Today was soo crazy, mainly because of the Assembly. First period was dead boring, but during the Assembly I sat with Ben, Scott, Cameron, Jordan and George... and didn't pay attention to ANYTHING going on XD 
Jordan and I kept jabbing one another through the whole thing, muttering "Hey, big girl", "Hey chum", "Hey chumpette", "Hey sport", "Hey sportette", "Hey champ", "Hey champette" and at one point he said "Hey, gal!"... he thought he won, but ooooh no, I caught him with a "Hey, lad!"... and when Mr Manias was called to the stage (The only part we were listening for at all), we were the only two to stand and clap for him (As he approached, not as he decended)... until some random blond guy across the room came to our rescue, because CAMERON IS A TRAITOR! :P
In Business class, the guys left during the "Voting" thing (Because we had a sub) but Andrew stayed behind. At the start of the class, because I was late (I was trying to find food!), the sub decided to hate me. By the end of it, she and I were joking around and talking about things currently going on in the business world, and things that happened in the past, etc. 
We didn't go out for Ice Cream today, because Claudia had a presentation to do... but, oh yes, tomorrow... THAT is when...
Fourth period was sort of boring. So was Fifth. At the end of the day, I ran into Jeremiah... then went over to Ben's to drag him out of the house to hang out for a while. 
Oh, and this morning, my parents were QUITE tactful and had a fight in front of Jeremiah. Whoo.
Annnd now I am baracading myself in my bedroom for the rest of the night.

I think that weird  happy feeling from last night has stuck to me. There wasn't a down moment all day... okay, hearing that Claudia's aunt died was pretty bad. But I convinced Najiba to help me hijack / surprise  her during third period  tomorrow so we can get ice cream at her favourite place (TCBY) to cheer her up :) She doesn't know yet - so SHH! :P We should definately blindfold her. And talk in Man voices so she gets really freaked out. Maaybe bring our money in a big, canvas sack with a dollar sign on it. And have plastic guns. Better yet: WATER GUNS! Jeez, wouldn't Mrs Robinson laugh if I came to Math all wet from a watergun fight?
Adam M's also asked me to teach him Clarinet (because he needs to know how to play it for a competition). Teija and I also taunted Kelly from outside of her history room today, and she pretended to strip for us (With Sebastian watching and just laughing - caught his eye a few times and laughed AT him, mouthing "I feel for you" or "I'll make this up to you" XD)... until Mr Bernier saw us and we had to run for our lives!! Also, with Teija and Angela when I got out of Math 10 minutes early, while trying to think of things to do together, I suggested (In a girly, obnoxious tone) that we should make a joint Father's Day dinner and make them "BFFL - just like us"... and we MAY actually do it now!! :P Oh, and I also got Angela's brother to string real sentances together!! (He's one of those teenagers who basically grunts, if he isn't playing guitar, but he's really funny and nice, so it's worth getting a few words out of him... didn't talk to him enough last night, shamefully).
The quote from the title is from Mr Stainton as he chased after Claudia (Who tried to get out of T&T five minutes early XD).
I'd write more, but I don't want to jinx certain things. However, I WILL say that Britt's latest artistic endevor involves drawing all her friends as characters from Alice in Wonderland :)
Love ya, talk to you later!

P.S. : JERA, I HOPE YOUR DAY TURNED OUT BETTER THAN YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD... SMILE :D

In spite of everything that's happened lately - or, perhaps, because of everything that's happened lately - the concert tonight was the best I've ever gone to while at Blakelock. 
I spent the night with no particular group or person (odd for me, though I'm friends with a lot of groups). I was with Keely and Tiffany for a while... Colin the longest, perhaps... unless you count Adam, because I wore his sweater all night so it was like he was "with" me without actually BEING there XD... all the chior members (Particularly Garret, for some weird reason)... Joe and a bunch of other girls whose names I didn't catch... Thom quite a lot... Alex and Zoe (a fair bit) and Rachel. FOR SOME REASON, THERE WAS ALMOST NO NING-TIME. MAYBE BECAUSE SHE OVERSTRESSES HERSELF ;) (Gotta give you props for surviving this year, sweetheart). 
Thom saranaded me when he thought I looked sad and lonely while I was reading... not sure if it was "Fairest" or "Nobody's Princess". He tried to get Joe to sing, too, at one point. Again: Stole Adam's sweater (Which is actually SO comfortable!) and drew funny pictures on the blackboard with Zoe (They were amazing, shut up). Alex and I joked around a lot, mostly when the entire thing was over and I was waiting for Colin so we could leave... we decided to get matching Velvet Underground shirts and wear them every Wensday next year and spend the WHOLE day together (One week we'd go to her classes, one week to mine)... imagine if we actually did that? XD
When the chior sang, we were WAY off. Colin thought we were good, but I'm pretty sure we could all agree that it wasn't even as good as practice. Cassandra and Gabby and I just laughed through most of it, and I kept mouthing "Jazz hands" to Garret (Codeword for "We messed up"). 
When the band played (Went to the very last one, the others I read through XP), I thought they were very good. I'm not going to lie, I was really happy through it all... mostly because I was all cheesy and thinking "Aww, I love my friends!" and "I'm so proud!" etcetera. I caught Alex's eye a few times and tried not to laugh... mind, I was already smiling quite a bit. Seriously, I don't know WHAT upped my estrogen dosage today, but I was feeling really proud of you all tonight... and really amused (Colin's hair kept blowing in the air that came from crashing the symbols). My face muscles feel SO cramped from how much I smiled tonight, just watching you guys up on that stage. I just kept thinking: God, I love them. Over and over. Because I do, did, and will.
And now? 
Still clinging on to that very light feeling. And my emoticon is crashing in perfect beat with the I'm listening to. 
Anyway, I'm feeling very...  don't want to say "Pure", but that's sort of it. Sort of. I'm not sure how to describe it. "Happy" doesn't seem like the correct term, either. Or "Simple", because there's something really complicated woven into this true joy. It could just be the afterglow of all that love from before... but it's put me in a great mood to fall asleep to.